Comedy

Here Are 3 Sure-Fire Ways Of Being A Terrible Parent!

Here Are 3 Sure-Fire Ways Of Being A Terrible Parent!

Mike Cruse

Parents don’t give themselves enough credit. And let’s be honest on why that is; we’re either spending most of our time questioning every decision we make, trying to keep up with impossible societal standards, that we convince ourselves we suck, or, the moment we actually *do* feel good about ourselves, and brag a little, the internet turns on you and tells you to stop bragging so much, and lets you know how not special you are. Parenting…damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Don’t even think about stealing that…I’m trademarking it now!

Last week, I shared a post about how to be the best dad you can be, but you know what…being a good a parent is so yesterday. We bust our rear ends, and for what? That’s why I say, we forget this whole being a great parent thing, and instead we do the opposite. That’s right! You heard me correctly. I’m now saying, we parents, stop trying so hard. Start phoning it in a bit. Hell, lower the bar so much, that when you actually do roll out of bed, and just happen to feed those ungrateful mongrels, you’re likely to be crowned parent of the year status.  

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5 Awesome #CampingHacks from a Dad

Mike Cruse


Disclosure:  This post is in collaboration with Jellystone Park Camps and Resorts, yet all opinions and hack concepts are mine.
I love to go camping! I know, you’re probably finding that hard to believe, considering how much of an introvert and lover of laying on my couch, that I am. But it’s true! It’s one of the only things I miss about being in the military.
I didn’t appreciate it at the time, because like most things, youth is wasted on the young. But looking back now, going to the field or going camping (as everyone back home thought that’s all we did in the Army) were some of my best memories. You wouldn’t know it then, because we mostly complained about having to go out for drills and do exercises (I’m not talking about jumping jacks and sit-ups here, people).
Some of my fondest memories are of the (borderline genius) hacks that we soldiers would come up with to make life out there easier. Like the time we made a homemade portable shower.
Anyone who has multiple boys knows how stinky the car gets when they’re sweating…now, multiply that times 100, add in Oklahoma summer heat and stretch it out over a week…yeah, you want one of those shower now too, don’t you?
Or the outdoor lamps we made with a used water bottle and chem lights (glow sticks for all you civilians). However nothing will ever outshine the portable toilet we created. Don’t worry, I’m not going to show you that one.
My son is finally getting to an age where I think he would actually enjoy camping. And I’m in a place where I won’t contemplate leaving him out in the wilderness because he starts complaining 5 minutes after we unload the car. Plus, if you’ve been following along here at Papa Does Preach, you know I have a lot of free time coming my way now – perhaps it’s time to hit up one of the 84 that are dotted across the country.
So, here are 5 awesome #CampingHacks, straight from a dad; to make your time outdoors…let’s say, when camping with kids.

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The Speech I Would Have Given at Mom 2.0…Had I Won

Mike Cruse

As many of you already know by now, I recently went on a bit of an extended trip; hoping to the West coast, and even leaving the country for a bit. The first 3 days of that trip, I hung out in beautiful, Pasadena, CA, where I attended the 2018 Mom 2.0 conference. Why would a dad be hanging out at a mom conference? First off, stop being so judgmental. Second, I was honored to be nominated for a 2018 Iris Award, for Best Dad Blogger of the Year (about damn time, lol)

The Iris Award is like the parent-blogging version of the Oscars. Ever since I started this blogging journey, I’ve wanted to win one. But, alas, the beautiful statue remains beyond my grasp…I did not win. As cliché as it sounds though, it *really* was an honor to be nominated.

While Mom 2.0 (most likely) won’t be a yearly event for me, I had an amazing time, even with not winning. I got to hang out with friends I haven’t seen in a couple years; make new friends and writing contacts, and I got to get all dressed up for an evening…something I really enjoy doing, but rarely get to do.

My roommate for those 3 days in Pasadena, Jeff Bogle from Out With The Kids (also nominated for Best Dad Blog of the Year) asked if I had written a speech, for when I won. I laughed it off, and said, “No. Besides, I doubt I’ll win. You’re gonna take it home; everyone knows it.” He didn’t win either.
But, I kind of had written one…at least in my head.

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Cleaning the House Just Became Mission Dadpossible With #AquavertClean

Mike Cruse

Look, I understand that we all love our kids. But let’s get real for a second here…can we?
Kids ruin everything!

From the moment the arrive, it’s like they’re on a mission to destroy. First, they destroy your sleep patterns, with all the crying and whining, and wanting to eat and stuff…ugh!! Then, they become mobile and ruin any sense of relaxation you may think you still had, because NOW you have to *literally* watch them every second of the day, or they just might crawl off and put something in their mouth, that they shouldn’t, sending you into a full-blown panic, causing you to shove their head under a sink, essentially waterboarding your child…or so I’ve heard.

But it’s when they get past that stage, and reach the next one, that they really become the destructive beasts we all know them to be. That’s right, toddlerhood to pre-teen is when kids are at their worst. Why, you might be wondering? Because kids are dirty, germ-carrying, factories of yuck, and they walk around your house touching everything, and rubbing their nose all over stuff, completely missing the toilet , even while sitting on it (how is that even possible?!?). It’s enough to make any parent throw their hands up in their air, and just give up.

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More Coffee, Less Talkie: The Story of my Mornings

Mike Cruse

I try my hardest to not fit into any kind of stereotype when steering through life. But, when it comes to kids, parenting, and coffee needed first thing in the morning, you might as well make me the poster child for this stereotype, because I’m all about it.
Prior to having kids I never drank coffee, except maybe a handful of times. I still wasn’t much of a morning person, but I didn’t need the extra assistance; I could just wake up gradually throughout the day. And weekends – forget about it. I wasn’t up before the crack of noon anyway. In fact, I actually found coffee quite gross. I know, I know, it hurts me to admit that as well. Read more →

Boudreaux's Butt Paste: #KickingRash on Your Daily Annoyances

Mike Cruse

Kids are gross. There, I said it. For every moment someone wants to share some super-cute or adorable picture of their kid on social media, I think they should be forced to share at least 10 pictures of their kids when they’re not-so-cute.
You know, like when they have snot running down their face, or they’re sneezing without covering their mouth – which all parents know, somehow the spit from said sneeze ALWAYS lands on you…mainly in the facial region. Read more →

Women I Admire Day 27: Deva Dalporto, Queen of the Mom Parody #WomensHistoryMonth

Mike Cruse

When friends without children ask to describe what it’s like having kids (why you would ever ask this, I have no idea), I tell them, “Raising kids is very much like listening to the music on the radio today; it sucks!” Ok, it doesn’t just suck. Sometimes it can be fun, and who knows, after a while you might even grow to like it. Oh, and it’s really fun when you can make fun of it. Of course I’m talking about the music; the kids still suck.
If you spend even one minute on social media; and let’s face it, if you’re a red blooded human being, you’re on there most of your day like everyone else, you’ve seen at least one video doing a parody of a song you know. And most likely, it’s parents doing it – moms to be more specific.
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Women I Admire Day 23: Brooke Takhar, Conquering Fear With Laughter #WomensHistoryMonth

Mike Cruse

Fear is a natural part of life for most people. Sure, some people have more fears than others; fear of heights, fear of dogs, fear of clowns…because FUCK CLOWNS!! Hell, when you become a parent your fears grow 3 sizes, like they’re the Grinch’s heart or something. But while most of the these fears can be fixed or subsided by realizing that everything is going to be okay, there’s one kind of fear that can literally stop you in your tracks; stunt your growth in a number of areas (personally, professionally, emotionally) – the fear of failure.
As a creative person, I know this fear well; most, if not all creative people do. Being creative is mix wanting to be seen, but afraid of not being good enough. But, what if we didn’t do that? What if we weren’t afraid to put ourselves out there, or be afraid of being judged? What if we just took a leap, and trusted in ourselves?
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Women I Admire Day 17: Tova Leigh, Video Star #WomensHistoryMonth

Mike Cruse

Remember when they said video killed the radio star? Well, these days it’s more like video killed the blogging star.
More and more people are moving towards video because people would clearly rather watch a video, that read a story. As much of a bummer as that is for traditional writers like me, it’s really opened doors from some really hilarious content creators.
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Women I Admire Day 13: Jen Mann, Throat Puncher #WomensHistoryMonth

Mike Cruse

Like many of you, my first experience with the hilarious Jen Mann was her brilliant post about the Elf on Shelf and the overachieving moms that come along with that damn thing. This now famous post of hers came out right as I was dipping my toes back into writing again, as well as anxiously awaiting the arrival of our son. I was automatically nerd-smitten with this lady.
After the arrival of Ferris I followed Jen even closer as she wrote at great length about douchey dads, annoying overachieving moms, her husband’s odd idiosyncrasies, and the ever growing list of people she wanted to punch in the throat. Seeing how I spend most days thinking the same thing about most people, Jen quickly became my writing idol, as I wish I had the stories and the comedic acumen to describe my distaste for mankind only the way she does.
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