Everything I Never Wanted to Know About Vaginas

I’m just going to come out and say it; I’m glad I’m not a woman. From what I see, being a woman kind of sucks.
Now hold on. Before you start flinging flaming bras at me, and getting all Gloria Steinem on the horn, hear me out.
I love women. Wait, let me rephrase that, I love A woman – my wife. But I think the rest of you ladies are pretty cool too. I just would never want to BE a woman. You ladies have it rough. If it’s not the constant misogyny still rampant in society, or getting paid 25% less than men for the same work, then it’s the bullshit beauty standards placed on you by magazines, advertisers and the fashion industry.
So now that I’ve got you back on my side, torches extinguished and calls to Gloria disconnected, let me tell you the main reason why I’m glad I’m not a woman…the vagina.
That’s right, the lady garden. The area 8 inches below your belly button (give or take, I’m horrible at math). The place we all spend 9 months trying to get out of, and for a lot men, the rest of our lives trying to get back in.
Look, vaginas are a thing of beauty, they really are. I mean, just think about it, a woman takes her pants off and it’s like the gates to some mystical landscape are opening. You half expect a harp to be playing and two of those creepy baby angels to come flying out welcoming you to the land of enchantment. The same can’t be said for the penis. That zipper comes down and it looks closer to a drunk frat boy and his two friends stumbling out of of a taxi at the end of a long night partying, flopping face first on the pavement.
But you know what, with that lack of beauty comes simplicity. That’s right, there is little-to-no penis upkeep needed. However, like any prized garden, the vagina requires a ton of maintenance. So much so, it makes my head spin.
It’s high time my fellow brethren understand, exactly how easy we have it,. Maintaining the tunnel of love is hard work. But most of all, men need to understand the extreme lengths you ladies are willing to go in order to keep your lady-bit resembling a garden, instead of the Everglade swamps.
In order to get an expert opinion to quote for this post I went to the resident expert in the Preach House on all thing vagina; the Wife. Here is how the conversation went.
Me: Hey babe, can I interview you for my blog about vaginas and upkeep?
Wife: Hell no! I have to live that shit. You think I want to talk about it so you can get some yuk-yuks on your blog? You’re on your own. Go Google that shit.
Well, that went well. Seeing that I needed about 1000 more words for this damn post, I set off on my own and did my own research, and let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty. I present to you an explanation (of sorts) ofvaginal maintenance and beautification, as translated by a dude.
So, let’s start with the ole #1 on the list of lack of empathy/understanding – monthly menstruation, aka Aunt Flow, Code Red, Flying the Japanese Flag, The Red Roof Inn, Leak Week, or just the plain ole period.
Monthly Period – Ruining punctuation since the beginning of time
Men, we are totally guilty of not being as understanding as we could be for this monthly occurrence. We’ve all done it. Even the most progressive man has, at least once in their life looked at a woman who was angry and thought, “Jeez, must be that time of the month.” Or heard about the pain women go through and simply brushed it off in their mind.
Preparing to receive hate mail from droves of men claiming they are so supportive that they too feel the monthly pain in 3….2….1….let me stop you right there and call BULLSHIT!
Cramps – You can’t walk this shit off dude
Remember when you were a kid and got beaned during a little league game and your coach told you to walk it off and rub dirt on it? Yeah, it’s nothing like that – it’s actually worse. Even in all my unattractiveness, I dated a couple other women pre-Wife, so I’ve seen plenty of women experience cramps for quite some time. And they were always different; no two seemed the same. Kind of like their own red snowflake. They seemed to range from mild irritation to OH MY GOD HIT ME IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT, and I highly doubt rubbing dirt on the vajay would help this situation either.
Tampons vs. Pads – You stick what, where?!?
There are many options for women to contain their fluid loss, but the most popular options are the tampon or the pad. Put yourself in your lady’s shoes for a second. Just imagine, your only two options for containing a constantly leaking dong is to shove a piece of plastic up your pee-hole only to leave a wad of cotton attached to a string, OR stuffing your drawers with a product that probably feels like having a gym sock folded in half and shoved in your jockeys all day, cradling your coin purse in all that leakage. Plus, because periods can sneak up on ladies like little red ninjas, women have to carry a drugstore amount of these items in their purse just incase shit gets real while out in public. But you know what, as bad as tampons and pads sound, there are options that are way worse.
The Menstrual Cup – It sure ain’t no dixie cup, and it ain’t no water cup neither!
It seems the green initiative has reached vagina status now. The menstrual cup is exactly what is sounds like. It’s a cup, that goes all up in the lady dugout, not to be confused with the male cup that protects the bat and balls from the outside. Another plastic device, that is……(twinge) inserted…..up…in…there, and removed when needed. Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the trem “my cup runneth over.” I threw up in my mouth a little writing that last part.
Douching – Not just the official language of New Jersey
Do I really need to cover this? Don’t we all already KNOW what douching consists of? sigh……alright, fine. Look, from what I’ve been told the vagina, while an awesome place, is a goddamn walking bacteria factory, and sometimes that shit needs a power wash. Ok, there, I said it! However, the one thing I am still confused on is why the scent you ladies are going for is *summer’s eve*. I really think the hygiene industry is missing out on a real opportunity here, why not come out with different *flavors* if you will. Why not bacon? Just imagine how much attention your man would be giving you if your lady bits were sponsored by Oscar Mayer. You think he wants it bad now, just wait.
Vaginal Beautification – Lets spruce the old place up a little
Look ladies, I want to be the first to tell you how much I appreciate the effort you put in to maintain and *upgrading* your sexy spot, but seriously, it’s too much. I know, I know, you might be saying, “I do this for my man. It keeps things fresh in the bedroom.” Listen, I’m going to let you in on a little secret….it doesn’t fucking matter. You offer it, we’re coming for it, no matter what it looks like. I mean, just look at chicks from the 70’s-era adult movies. They looked like they had Buckwheat from the Little Rascals in MMA-style triangle hold, and men were still knocking down the doors to get at it. So waxing and all that other shit, get out of here with that. I’m afraid when myzipper gets too close to my junk, let alone letting someone with hot wax come at me.
And finally…..
Steam Cleaning the Vagina – Easy on the starch there, buddy
Recently the world was graced with advice from faux-British asshole, Gwyneth Paltrow, that ladies should be *steam cleaning* their vaginas.No bullshit. Wow, I don’t even have a vagina and I want you to shut up. Seriously, this is the length some women will go to? What’s next, you gonna figure out a way to iron the ole meat curtains to keep everything clean and crisp? Excuse me if I don’t take someone seriously who A) named their kid after a piece of fruit, and B) named their website GOOP. GOOP?!? Even the name of your site sounds like your vagina is broken and has some major malfunctions. Why not just be real and name it Crotch-Snot.com? At least you’d get a little laugh out of me.
Alright, so here we are at the end of my tirade, and if you have made it this far (may God have mercy on your soul) you might be asking yourself, why the hell is this dude talking about vaginas and vaginal maintenance? Good question, and I wish I had a good answer for you, but I don’t. But what I do have is a piece of advice – don’t ever make a bet on football game (let alone the Super Bowl) with a fellow blogger friend, because they just might get vindictive on your ass and make you write a blog about something you have no desire talking about. Such is the case of my clown-shoe of a friend Ashley from The Malleable Mom. We bet, she won, I lost (FUCK YOU SEAHAWKS), and this was her punishment. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I hated writing it.
Don’t forget to follow along on my daily high jinx on social media. I’m usually on Facebook and Twitter when I should be working


150 Replies to “Everything I Never Wanted to Know About Vaginas”

  1. Well done, Papa! I laughed, I cried, but I did not steam…. No never the steam! You seem to have a handle on all things vagina! Malleable Mom…. You, ma’am, are a genius!

  2. I didn’t care much about the Superbowl excrpt that I was sick of deflategate, but now I am happy the Patriots bwon because vghis is wicked. ( And yes I am from New England so I csn say that.)

  3. You hit it out of the park and showed some love to fellow bloggers. You are da bomb, Papa. Good job!! And now I know who to turn to for all my vag-related questions. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go iron my meat curtains.

  4. Slow Clapping over here.. not many would wade into the fray as deeply as you did my friend. You went all Game of Thrones on that castle and now own it. King of the men who know stuff about vaginas.
    Bravo, simply bravo.

  5. Thanks! I really enjoyed the “dude” perspective. My only comment would be on douching. Yep. Sorry. I know you tried to avoid it…and you probably could have! While the vagina might be “bacteria factory,” most of that bacteria is there for a reason and it is better to leave it alone. That “power wash” often creates bacterial unbalances that lead to infections. Not to mention the stupidity of making women feel inadequate if they don’t smell like ocean breeze or flowers or who knows what other toxic chemical in the perfume business. Keep up the bets!

      1. Came here to high-horse the douche segment. Glad to see it’s been covered. May I suggest a sequel where you delve into the world of IUDs and yeast infections? 😉

  6. Absolutely awesome!!! I love this guys style of writing I will definitely be following to see what else he has to say 🙂 <3 the descriptions of a women's dugout, & a mans penis looking like a "drunk frat boy & his 2 friends stumbling out of a taxi" actually had me spitting out my drink that I had just taken..the best description I've heard yet!!! love it

  7. You’re funny, but in a monkey flinging poo kinda way. Predictable and … over done. You kinda went after some low hanging fruit instead of reaching into the higher branches, my bloggy friend. Menstrual cups are medical grade silicone, not plastic, and they’re healthier than disposable products by a long shot. Vaginal steaming isn’t douching, it isn’t steam cleaning, it’s no more weird than a facial steam is for your face (and it’s been around for centuries longer than Gwyneth has). You can be funny without downgrading healthy options for women. Instead, you do women a disservice by jumping on the cliché vagina humor bandwagon. Be on our team and find the funny in the truth, instead of in the cliches.

      1. I’m with Teri. It’s very funny – been shared mostly among my female friends as I think a lot of the guys got scared just from reading the title! And please don’t presume to speak for “our team”. Plus, it’s primarily written for (non-OB/GYN) men, to who women turn for vaginal advice NEVER.

    1. I guarantee that there aren’t women lining up to learn how to properly care for our vaginas from a humorous dad blog. Honestly, if you’re an adult woman you should probably be able to care for your vagina without googling it by now. For the record, no matter how good for the environment or healthy a menstrual cup man be– I think they are nasty. After doing a test run for an article I had to write, I found them to be difficult and too time consuming. I’m a mom of 5, I barely have time to pee let alone properly insert a “medical grade silicone” device in between my meat curtains.
      This post was hilarious and made my day.

  8. Well done Papa!
    For your further post middle school edification: douching is not recommended by docs. It screws up the pH up there…garden balance per say… Women are self-cleaning ovens to leave you with some imagery!

  9. Couple of notes, Douching is actually very bad for the delicate bacterial balance inside a vagina and is not recommended. They can also cause yeast over growth (yeast infection) or Bacterial Vaginosis . The vagina is entirely self cleaning in fact you should avoid that area with harsh soaps and detergents. If the vagina needs a boost your best bets are natural probiotics and garlic cloves. Secondly Menstrual Cups are seriously the bomb. They don’t leak, you can safely leave them in for up to 12 hours and they never run out, after several years of use you may want to replace it. It is so nice to not wake up before work to realize you have started your period and there is not a tampon to be found in your purse, house or car. Which happens, oddly enough you get sick of random tampons floating around in your purse but when you NEED one they have disappeared. Enter the menstrual cup. Nice little silicone cup in it’s little pouch that lives in pocket in my purse. ALSO bonus for menstrual cups is that you can have sex while on your period with out bleeding all over your partner, and the super flexible silicone is smooth and feels similar to the cervix. Loved the little red snowflake haha. And even better each period may be different to each woman each month, they are so diverse!

  10. Omg! I almost choked on my coffee!!! Why am I just now finding you?? F*cking HILARIOUS!!! I’m making this post required reading for every guy on my FB friends’ list and I’m just gonna’ share the shit out it in general! Omg.. “You’re killin’ me Smalls!”

  11. Loved this! I hope you have a volunteer to clear your internet history in the case that you ever become incapacitated somehow. Wouldn’t want anyone thinking you’re in the market for a change of “heart!”

  12. Fun stuff! Our vaginas thank you for the love! 🙂 Although as much as a bacon-flavored douche sounds appealing, we’ve been told that douching does more harm than good to our lady gardens. And thanks for the great idea of a betting prize. I was cheering for the Seahawks (being an Oregonian), but reading this hilarious post was worth the loss! 🙂

  13. Ha, I hope you lose the next bet too cause this was damn entertaining. Though male genitalia only had a walk-on role, I loved that drunk frat boy metaphor. Sheer poetry. Ha!

  14. After an embarrassing display of emotion in the middle of an International Airport (I am not naming…just incase someone spots me) I needed a pick me up. Thank you for that. Many kudos to the bloggess who made the bet. Clever indeed.
    Did you know in the sweetest spot of all there are 8,000 nerve endings? Yeah…
    If we smelled like bacon, then men should squirt chocolate.
    I’m going to go read some more of your posts now.

  15. Believe it or not, the cup is a million times less troublesome then pads or tampons! And you only need one, not the entire drugstore 😉
    Also, none of them go in the pee-hole lol
    Different hole :p

    1. As far as the awesomeness goes, I’ll take your word for it. And as fas as the placement….I know that, lol….but we (men) only got the one hole, so my imagry was limited 😉 Thanks for reading!

  16. I have a friend that uses the “cup” for, ermmm, gathering during that time of the month. She insisted that I should use it too. I won’t get graphic here, but that was an experience I will never, ever repeat! Did you know pediatricians encourage young girls to use tampons when they “start?” At least my daughter’s ped did. Is that weird? lol

  17. this was very good stuff. am glad at least one guy ‘gets it’ and hope more figure it out! I seriously wonder about guys who cross over to be girls. I’m a girl and it SUCKS quite a bit of the month cuz who ever said a period lasts just 7 days is a fruitcake!

  18. I am woman…well I was the last time I looked and I can categorically state, that Lady Gardens are not a thing of beauty. In fact, to my mind, they rather resemble a cat that’s had it’s throat slashed, but then I’m on heavy meds so ignore my opinion.
    As someone who writes about her Bat-cave quite a lot, I thought this was absolutely hilarious.

  19. OMG!! That was hilarious! I actually laughed out loud and am still giggling over the whole “frat boys stumbling out of the zipper” scenario. That is some funny shit! Love the analogy!!

  20. This was hilarious! And now I kinda want to write the opposite version, a take on Elaine from Seinfeld’s “I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.” (Does it ever need airing? How often does it get accidentally stuck in stuff? Do blue balls exist, and do they physically hurt? Enquiring minds want to know.) What’s amazing is how much of this you got right. (PS Douching is actually very bad as it kills good along with nasty bacteria. There are other ways to fix “not so fresh.”) 😉

  21. Amusing article.
    Though I have to say you’re off base about the cup.
    They’re much more comfortable and more effective than tampons. Yes there is a learning curve. And it might take a few tries to find the right one. But it is worth it once you do.
    Oh and most are a soft silicone, not plastic. Which also means they won’t screw with the pH or other factors of the vaginal environment. Particularly important to anyone who is allergic to disposable pads (and yes cloth pads exist too everyone) and tampons.

  22. Bwahahaha. This is hilarious!!
    I have to admit I’m one of a lucky few women who doesn’t get bad cramps. I do get cranky and have a need to eat every damn thing so I guess that’s my personal hell.

  23. For the record…the silicone cups are very comfortable (forget its there until it is full). Tampons stab and dry you out while disposable pads feel like wearing an itchy, wet diaper.

  24. O.M.G!!! M I needed this in my life right now!! I laughed sooo hard i forgot all about my horrible velociraptor like cramps!!! Lmmfao………..OH GOD IT HURTS!!!!!

  25. O.M.G!!! I needed this in my life right now!! I laughed sooo hard i forgot all about my horrible velociraptor like cramps!!! Lmmfao………..OH GOD IT HURTS!!!!!

  26. I’m occasionally one of the “hit me in the head with a bat” women when it comes to cramps. I just want to say THANK YOU! I thought my husband was the only man who got it. If you had a vagina, I’d educate you on douching, menstrual cups and steaming, but it seems awfully unnecessary for you. Also, you are stuck with frat boys in your pants, which sounds bad enough.

  27. A coupla thangs there, buddy. Numero uno, you’re brave and you got it mostly right. Rock on. Yay vaginas (and vulvas!). Secondly, though, douching is bad. BAD. vaginas are self-cleaning (google THAT!) and are designed basically for the good bacteria to battle the bad bacteria and kick its ass. When you kill the good bacteria…expect problems. Nextly, cups are all that. Lots of women love them. No waste, actually kinda easy to use, you can still have sexy time (yup) and they don’t cover your bits in a constant, scary layer of chemicals. Long live cups! Finally, seriously thank you for empathizing and for trying so hard. Oh! And the steam thing is usually reserved for those with issues like polycystic ovarian syndrome and postpartum mothers and not only does it work, but its like a facial for your insides. It, too, is a good thing. Bueno, carry on!

  28. Thanks for “manning-up” on this one! Also appreciate that the menstrual cup got a shout-out. One small nuance (but it is a common male-misperception) “pee-hole” does not equal vagina… Strangely my husband (of many years) was shocked to discover exactly where the “pee-hole” is! In any case – very funny and almost makes me glad NE won… almost…

  29. Finally…a man that gets it! This was great! The whole dang thing! Had me laughing at loud and shaking me head in agreeance! I will show this to my husband for sure.

  30. This is great! And we women try so hard to landscape or bing our va jay jays, but my hubbs says the same thing. “It looks great babe, but I’ll take it anyway anyday.” Thanks for my morning laugh!

  31. I liked this article and the writing is very well done. I have one small issue: douching. It is never recommended by health care professionals. It tends to cause more problems than it solves. I’m 28 and have never used them. The vagina is supposed to be full of bacteria. If it does become unbalanced, the woman needs medicine, not a douche.
    Women never need douches. LoL 😉

  32. Several corrections from a friendly midwife:
    First, labor and birth do NOT last 9 months, only a day or two for the first baby who paves the way for the rest. For the other 9 month (or 10 lunar if you want to be more exact) human babies do not spend their time trying to get out, but stay attached to their mom’s via the placenta and grow.
    Keeping your vagina healthy is really pretty easy – a skirt with no underwear at all – vaginas thrive in the breeze. If you must, wear cotton, loose pants and sleep without confinement. Current fashion isn’t optimal for vaginal health.
    Keeping your vagina happy – that must be a different blog.
    Lets improve our perspective about time. Average woman in the US lives to about 86. Let’s say you menstruate from age 12 to age 52, that means only 40 years of menstruation with time off if you are ever pregnant and breastfeeding. Or even less if you use certain types of hormonal contraception. So once a month for less than half your life. Human females didn’t evolve to have monthly periods, but used to spend much more time pregnant and nursing, with a shorter life expectancy due in large part to the dangers of pregnancy and childbirth. We really don’t have it so bad.

    1. “only 40 years” that is still 20 years too long…heck 10 years is what I would consider reasonable. im turning 50 soon and it hasn’t stopped yet. uggg

  33. OMG! I’ve got to share this with my friends on social media. The Red Ninja statement was right on point. Can you add to this post and talk about what to expect for the Vag…when it’s menopause time? That would be a nice ending….wouldn’t you think? In any case, great job.

  34. You said in this video that you fight against stereotypes : http://www.washingtonpost.com/posttv/entertainment/in-defense-of-dads–on-parenting/2015/02/20/64616a2c-b927-11e4-bc30-a4e75503948a_video.html
    Well… the way you describe a vagina (holy, fascinating, etc.) versus a penis (dumb, drunk, etc.) and the kind of “I-dunno-but-im-amazed” attitude you demonstrate towards the vagina… all this seems to me pretty much right on the stereotypes you said you’re fighting against. Don’t get me wrong, I admire your intention and your goal. I’m a fellow dad. I’m really trying to be constructive here. Besides that, i have to say, humor is always the best way to fight against taboos and stereotypes.
    Best regards!

  35. Hey, Debbie Downer commenters– this is a humor piece, based on a bet, meant to amuse. Imma give them a break, tho– perhaps they are riding the cotton pony this week…
    This was hilarious- don’t listen to those humorless twat-waffles above. 😉

  36. HILARIOUS!!! NAILED IT! And I’m really glad you lost the bet- because this is SO MUCH FUN to read!! I bet your wife had to laugh too, right? You done good, Papa. Ashley should be quite satisfied with this. 🙂

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