Unintentional Heart-Break

Before Ferris was born people (with kids) would always tell me how much I should cherish this first year because he was going to change so much everyday that one day I would look back and miss these days so much….and to that I say, “whatever!”

While I am enjoying watching my son grow and change all the time I still kind of wish he would have been born already able to walk and talk.  Now, I know the Wife, and her “lower area” (if you will), is happy that wasn’t a possibility, but I also know the Wife kind of shares my desire to see him grow up, just a bit, mainly because he has not been….the happiest baby if you will.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy or appreciate Ferris as a baby, because I do.  I still think back to the day he was born, or look at all the pictures we’ve taken over the past 4 months and get choked up and teary-eyed; It’s just that I think I’m going to be a better “Toddler Dad” than I am a “Baby Dad.”

I can’t wait to be able to play with Ferris.  I mean “really” play with him.  Like running around, wrestling, playing catch, or whatever physical activity he wants to do, because right now the boy wants nothing to do with anything physical, or anything period for that matter.  Nothing makes this kid happy, except eating, chewing on his burp cloth, and of course watching his mother and I get overly frustrated.

I’m not kidding about that last part.  Whenever the Wife or I get frustrated and it shows, Ferris is happy to take time out of his fussing or crying to smile and laugh.  And forget it if the Wife and I are “disagreeing” on something; the boy is in 7th Heaven.  He just sits there while the Wife and I express our “disagreement” and watches us like a ping-pong match with the biggest smile on his face.  On one hand I’m like, “Buddy, it’s awesome that you recognize and love our voices, but now is not the time to flash that shit-eating grin of yours,” and on the other hand I feel like if that gorgeous smile is not enough to cure whatever you’re “disagreeing” about, then that’s on you/us.

Ferris spent almost the entire first 3 months of his life crying; seriously.  If he wasn’t eating or sleeping he was crying/fussing; and no, before you assume, he was not colicky….he was just unhappy.  This was a fact that wore on me and the Wife.  While we are first time parents, I know we are doing a good job with him, so I know he’s not unhappy with us, but still it sucks to see him crying.  We coddle/cuddle that boy endlessly.  He gets everything he could ever want.  The problem is, a lot of the time we don’t know what he wants.

Just shortly after the 3 month mark, Ferris’ disposition seemed to improve dramatically.  He was so much less fussy; he seemed to be enjoying us and everything around him a lot more as a whole….but like all good things, they come to an end.  For some reason since he has hit 4 months his attitude has had a bit of regression.  Ferris turned 4 months about 2 weeks ago, and since then he has seemed so unhappy, again.

Its things like the constant fussiness that makes me kind of day-dream to the time when he is able to talk.  At least then when I say, “What dude?  What is making you so upset?” he’ll actually be able to articulate why he is so upset.  Now, he just cries.

To be completely honest, if it sounds like I’m being a bit bitter, it’s probably because I am.  As I mentioned earlier Ferris has hit the 4 month mark, and it unfortunately seems he is having a bit of a regression in his attitude.  Sorry, let me clarify; Ferris is having a regression in his attitude towards me.  You ever hear of the Midas touch?  Well I have the Crying touch.  As in every time I touch this kid he cries.  While that might not be entirely fact, as the Wife constantly tells me, it feels that way to me because I’m catching the brunt of his fussiness.

Seriously…this is like 90% of our interactions at the moment

I kind of think it’s a bit of karma.  Don’t misunderstand me, I didn’t do anything wrong, but we were on this road not too long ago, but it was the Wife who felt this way, and I’m not entirely sure I gave it the due attention it required.  You see, around the 2-3 month mark the Wife felt like Ferris was only happy when I was holding him, or that when we would be having fun (him and I) that his attitude would change when she walked in the room.  Of course I told her that wasn’t the case, and that Ferris loved seeing her too, but that never seemed to improve her outlook on the matter.  Now, I feel like we have switched roles.

Ferris loves to play and be held by his Mom.  The Wife is so good with him.  I see him laugh and smile when they are together, and now when I walk in the room it seems like his smile disappears and instead he looks at me with this look of indifference.  And trust me; I let the Wife know how I’m feeling on the subject, over and over again.  It sucks man.  Look, I know I am wearing the Wife out with my complaining, but I also know there is a small piece of her, even if it’s minuet, that is glad it’s not her right now catching the crap, because she caught her fair share of the daily fussiness-crap during the 3 months she was home on maternity leave.  It doesn’t really bother me that the Wife is getting the happy-Ferris right now; what bothers me is that other people are too over me; complete strangers even.

Ferris started daycare almost a month ago when the Wife returned to work.  His daycare is great.  The ladies there treat him so well, and he seems to be adjusting quite well to the whole process.  The problem is that when I come to pick him up every day, the first thing I see is that happy face quickly turns to one of indifference.  I swear, right before we leave the head lady in charge will do something silly or cute and Ferris will giggle his butt off, then I will say something like, “Ok buddy, are you ready to go home” with a big smile on my face, and he’ll just look at me like he doesn’t even know me.  I can almost hear his expression say, “Of course I’m ready you moron.  Why are you even talking to me?”  This is the one that hurts the most.  I find myself constantly wondering what she is doing right that I am not anymore.

I know that this is just a “thing” right now, and that his fussiness towards me is completely unintentional, but it still sucks.  While I always tried my hardest to reassure the Wife that he was not playing favorites, a little piece loved that I could make him smile and laugh, just like I know the Wife does right now.

I realize there will come a day where Ferris will think his Dad is a complete loser.  It happens to all of us.  We all thought we knew more than our parents when we hit the wise age of being a teenager and with that comes the idea that your parents are embarrassing. Everything you did with your parents, and thought was cool just a few years prior is now totally lame.  And some day Ferris will act the same way.  Of course, we may hit the lottery for a second time (the first time was the cutest kid in the WORLD lottery) and Ferris may join the less than 1% of kids who actually continue to think their parents are semi-cool and don’t mind spending a bit of time with them here and there, but I wouldn’t bet on it, lol.

I don’t know….maybe I was wrong with what I said in the beginning of this blog.  Maybe I am relishing this baby-time a little more than I thought.  Maybe I will miss these early days more than I thought.  I mean, even now as he is fussy and seems to treat me like I am the last person in the world he wants to be around, I love being able to pick him up and cuddle him, even with him screaming in my face.  Soon I won’t be able to do that.

As the Wife pointed out to me recently, he’s not going to be this little for very much longer, and once he starts growing, walking, talking, and getting older he’s going to need me less and less (disclaimer: that last part was my realization, the Wife only said the “not so little for very much longer” part, lol).  I just hope he never stops thinking his Dad is a pretty awesome guy…..hell, I’d even settle for “kind of cool.”

Yeah…..you can stay this way for a while buddy. You don’t have to grow up just yet

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