You all know I have this awesome friend named Ashley over at Big Top Family. We met last summer at BlogU14 in Baltimore, and became fast friends ever since.
I’ve shared so many Ashely posts, just like she has with my post, that I’m sure you know her as well as I do. Like how she has an alter ego known as Sexual Chocolate that, let me tell you, is a SHOW to see in person. Or her borderline psychotic obsession with Doritos.But one thing you may not know, is how wickedly on point her sense of humor is.
I know what you’re thinking, “Hey dumb-dumb, we know how awesome she is, we read her stuff too.” But I’m here to tell you, you’re only seeing like 25% of the funny that Ashley has going on.
My pal can bust out a “That’s what she said” faster than Wyatt Earp gunning down an outlaw. Yes, she possesses the kind of wit that can rival any frat boy. But one of my favorite things about Ashley is how she is a master of the double entendre. She can turn almost anything into a dirty joke; nothing is safe, not even the likes of the NFL.
I’m so honored to have Ashley here guest posting today. She’s sharing how even some like her who is not into football, can find joy in the just listening to the game. Enjoy!
The Super Bowl is fast approaching, but I’m not one of those women who gets really excited about football and pretends to give a rat’s ass about what’s going on. I’ve actually managed to avoid it like the plague most of my adult life, but then I became the wife of a HUGE football fan. The kind of fan that paces around like a caged tiger while the game’s on, hunching down on the floor pounding his fists when something bad happens, and shooting up from the floor like a bottle rocket when something good happens. I’m forced to endure this nonsense, but I’ve learned to get by with the help of a little friend.
My friend is my alter ego: Dirty Mom. She’s the little voice in my head who one day pointed out to me that football is CHOCK FULL of sexual innuendos. From that day forward, it took on a whole new level of entertainment for me. I can’t help myself on football Sundays, especially since I have to wrestle to keep Dirty Mom’s mouth shut every other day of my life. Sometimes when I’m at a playgroup with a bunch of other normal, socially appropriate moms, I nearly have to swallow my tongue to keep from saying “That’s what she said” twice a minute. Back doors, bottoms, drawers, ovens, meat, buns, anything about size, something getting stuck, something being easy, something being hard, any mention of a ball—I mean the list just goes on and on. By the time I leave, I’m jerking spasmodically and purple in the face from the strain of keeping my dirty mouth shut.
However, during football season, in the sanctity of my own home, with my boys too young to care about football and therefore downstairs playing in the basement, I can release my snorts, snickers, and Beavis-and-Butthead giggles over the 9 million sexual innuendos and double entendres constantly uttered by the NFL announcers. I just cuddle up in front of the boob tube and snort, guffaw, and point at the TV screen, all the while elbowing my eye-rolling husband and stuffing my face with Doritos. In case you can’t manage to conjure up a picture of a 40-year-old wife and mother’s special brand of prepubescent football humor, allow me to break some terms down for you, in alphabetical order.
1). Ball-carrier. This is a player who likes to fondle his junk.
2) Flex-bone. This is a play wherein the players can feel a little poke coming through.
3) Fullback. This is a player who’s got an ass that just won’t quit. Growing. It won’t quit growing.
4) Gunslinger. I don’t know what the Eff this is, but I do know that the NFL named Brett Favre the greatest gunslinger of all time. I also know he can sling that gun at me anytime.
5) Halo violation. This is when a player loses his virginity. It’s super cute.
6) Hand-off: This maneuver always makes me think of jerk-off and/or hand-job so I tend to think all three terms are synonymous.
7) Hard-count. This is how long it takes a player to become erectile functional.
8). Hidden yardage. This is when a team is for some reason hiding away their God-given endowments. (Have they never heard the phrase “WORK what ya mama gave ya”)?
9). Hot read. This is how most players feel about Fifty Shades of Grey.
10). Loose ball. This is when a player’s jockstrap has failed its main duty. (Ha. I said “duty”).
11). Muff. This is a vintage fur that the players use to keep their hands warm. Wink.
12). Package. SPECIAL DELIVERY?
13). Penetration. Do I really need to define this one for you?
14). Pump fake. This is when a player pretends to hump (or pump) the end zone after scoring a touchdown but is like “psych!” and doesn’t actually complete the act. (I think this is tied into the player’s “completion percentage,” which is also a football term. I’ll take 6 points for this one).
15) Punt. This just rhymes with a dirty word so it’s dirty.
16). Sack. No way to sugar-coat this one. I mean, you can sugar-coat nuts. That would actually be pretty tasty. Buuuut . . . not the sack.
17). Slobber knocker. Use your imagination. If you’re not a dirty weirdo like me, then don’t bother.
18) Tight end. A player whose ass gets taxed like the Government! In other words, he does lots of squats to get his ass tight, and that must be extremely taxing.
19). Tweener. I just like this ‘cause it sounds like “weiner.”
20). Wishbone. This is when a player seems to be fully invested in playing the game but is actually jonesing for a boning.
Whelp, I’m done defining my Super Bowl Sunday dirtiness. You didn’t ask for it, but Dirty Mom gave it to ya anyway. (She gave it to ya GOOD).