I’ve talked before how I wasn’t ever sure I wanted to have kids of my own. I was content in being selfish. I enjoyed not having any major responsibilities, outside of paying my rent, and having enough money to go hang out with my friends after the bills were paid.
Even after I started dating my wife; we would go on winery tours or weekend-long trips to Vegas at a moment’s notice like we didn’t have a care in the world. Because we didn’t. Then this funny thing happens. You get married, you start taking life a little more seriously; you start settling down, and naturally the conversation of having kids comes up. Even then, I wasn’t sure I wanted kids.
It was no longer about my freedom, or losing out on doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. No, I was out of excuses. Now it was because of the real reason I was always hesitant. I didn’t want to be the kind of parent that I grew up around. I didn’t want the ghosts of my abusive childhood (at the hands of my mother) coming back, infecting the life of another innocent child. I didn’t want to end up abandoning my child like I felt my father did to me. Most of all I didn’t want someone to think they loved me, only to find out how flawed and broken I was. But he came anyway. My son was born in early 2012.
I will always remember the day my son was born, but more importantly, I will always remember the feeling that came over me the second they put him in my arms. I literally felt like I was a different person; a new person. Almost like the dad in me was born at the exact moment my son was born. Just seconds prior I was just a guy. Yes, I was a husband to my wife, but at that exact moment I became someone’s father. I had participated in creating life. I have never felt anything that powerful in my life. I couldn’t wait to do all the dad things.
Like skin to skin contact.
Or napping with my son. Don’t let this picture fool you, he never slept that much.
I would love to sit here and tell you that the second I held my son all my fears melted away, or that I was no longer plagued by doubt and depression because of the love my son has for me, but we all know that’s not how life works. It’s still a continual struggle. But I can I tell you one thing for sure – my son loves me no matter what.
My son is like my shadow. He wants to be everywhere I am, and doing everything I’m doing. He literally sees me as a super hero, and while I know I’m far from being Super Man, and I have a lot of work to do on myself, it makes it just a little bit easier knowing someone out there sees you better than you see yourself. So who am I to argue?
So, to my son I say, #ThanksBaby for loving me the way you do. But more importantly, thank you for showing me that even though I am flawed, I am loved. Oh…and to my daughter arriving very soon…
#ThanksBaby for giving me another shot at this whole dad thing. Round 1 was pretty cool, and I can’t wait for Round 2.