Daddy, Dis Way

 

Every morning is the same. The routine is always the same…until it isn’t.

It’s moments like this; the shroud of mundane that is associated with parenthood, is stripped away. What was, just moments ago, the same boring routine, is now the sudden realization of how much time has passed; how much has changed; how much has happened, and how much you’ll miss going forward.

It was just yesterday,  I was buckling you into your car seat before we left the house…yet somehow today, you’re walking…no, sprinting ahead of me, calling out, “Daddy, dis way!” I am suddenly struck by how much I love you.

I love all of you. Your soul that is sweet and loving…your spirit that is playful and kind…your sense of adventure that doesn’t even know the word fear…your will that tests me every day, and will most likely be the death of me one day…your stubborn nature, that is clearly a gift from both your parents…your fierce independence, that I hope all women of your generation grow to have…and your undying love for your brother; who I hope is the only man you follow around in life.

There is also a twinge of pain. Pain from the realization that I once again missed so much in the last 2 years. Not because I was absent; you’ll never know that pain, because daddy will always be here. But because I allowed depression and anxiety to blind me from the joys around me every day…again. But unlike with your brother, things won’t be the same.

“Daddy, dis way!”

I’m snapped back to the present…but only momentarily. I watch you walk a few steps…

The toddler who is growing so fast
… a few more steps
My baby girl heading to her first day of kindergarten
…a few more steps
A sweet spunky sweet kid heading off with her friends
…a few more steps
Nervously fiddling with your tassel as you graduate from high school
…a few more steps
The strong, smart, beautiful woman I always knew you’d be; heading out into the world.
…a few more steps
You’re so far away now
…a few more steps…you stop

You turn, and see me. I am struck. How did I miss all this?!? How could this be? Everything in me yearns to call out to you. I open my mouth preparing to scream, “WAIT!!! COME BACK!! I’M SORRY!!”

But before I do, you sprint back to me. I hold my arms out catch you…to hold the amazing woman who stands before me; a symbol of strength and grace…but I miss…

I feel a familiar slam into my legs, and I’m jolted. I’m once again back. I look around, but you’re not there…where have you gone?

“Daddy…”

I look down, and I see you again. Your beautiful blue eyes staring up at me; arms wrapped around my legs. I see that amazing woman again; a symbol of strength and grace…that you’ll be some day, but for now, I see a little girl. A little girl with a heart that goes on forever. I see pigtails and a pacifier. I see you..right now.

“Daddy…dis way”

You tug on my shorts, letting me know you know the way, and I believe you.

These rare moments will become even more rare, now that our family dynamic is changing. I will miss many more moments. I will miss seeing your face every day…seeing your brother’s face every day. I will miss your silliness when I when I first walk in your room every morning…

I will miss the mundane.

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3 thoughts on “Daddy, Dis Way

  • June 15, 2018 at 3:59 am
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    Omg. That was beautiful. She is beautiful. That bookbag looks bigger .Than her. ..

    Reply
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  • June 16, 2018 at 6:16 pm
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    Made me tear up. Why is it so easy to notice how much time has passed when we see how much bigger our littles are??? Why can’t we notice it when they are small. Reminds me of Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman…

    Reply

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