Here Are 3 Sure-Fire Ways Of Being A Terrible Parent!

Parents don’t give themselves enough credit. And let’s be honest on why that is; we’re either spending most of our time questioning every decision we make, trying to keep up with impossible societal standards, that we convince ourselves we suck, or, the moment we actually *do* feel good about ourselves, and brag a little, the internet turns on you and tells you to stop bragging so much, and lets you know how not special you are. Parenting…damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Don’t even think about stealing that…I’m trademarking it now!

Last week, I shared a post about how to be the best dad you can be, but you know what…being a good a parent is so yesterday. We bust our rear ends, and for what? That’s why I say, we forget this whole being a great parent thing, and instead we do the opposite. That’s right! You heard me correctly. I’m now saying, we parents, stop trying so hard. Start phoning it in a bit. Hell, lower the bar so much, that when you actually do roll out of bed, and just happen to feed those ungrateful mongrels, you’re likely to be crowned parent of the year status.  

Alright, calm down for a second. Before you start typing out a hate-filled comment, and tell me how much I let you down, let me say one thing…this is all in the spirit of fun and parody. I hate I have to say that, but, these are the times we live in folks. You have to ruin the joke, for people to actually enjoy it…(sigh)…that sais, enjoy my list on how to achieve Terrible Parent status:

Discipline Is Overrated:

As kids grow, they will attempt to learn and develop their own boundaries, and certainly, they will do this by exhibiting behavior that will test yours. This is where discipline comes into play. As parents, we’re all different, just like the heathens…err, kids, we’re raising. So, when one parent hears the word discipline, it’s almost a sure bet that what they envision, is completely different from the parent standing next to them. One thing is for sure, the old way of things, just don’t cut it anymore. So, what do you do then?

I say you do nothing. Figure it out kids. Baby birds have to learn to fly by getting kicked out of the nest…you feel me? Survival of the fittest my friends. Maybe Darwin was on to something after all. I’m simply going to sit my kids down, pop in a copy of Lord of the Flies, then wish them the best of luck. You realize how much time I’m going to save from having to constantly follow these little jerks around teaching them right from wrong? I finally be able to catch up on Orange is the New Black. This is great!

Ugh…ok, fine! To be fair, here’s what a “good parent would do…

Try a gentle suggestion for your first lesson. Then, progressively firmer responses until the child enters time out, or has something taken off them they are using to cause whatever injury they are trying to apply. Children who grow up without seeming care for other people or the inability to control themselves often (but not always) suffered from a lack of discipline as a child. Discipline is not cold, calculated and dismissive. It is a guiding light to help someone shape into a good person as they grow through the school years.

Just Because We Live Together, Doesn’t Mean We Have to Hang Out All the Time:

Everywhere I turn, it’s another article about being present for your kids, or some know-it-all expert, talking about how not being present for your kids is damaging on so many levels. Hey, my parents we’re present, and look at me; I turned out just fine….(ducks from fear of impending lighting). Look, I’m present for my kids….no, I *AM* a present, for my kids. I’m awesome to hang out with. So they should be thanking me!

Boring good parent option:

Little presence is also an incredibly toxic thing for a child to experience. It might sound like this only happens to children who have parents who work all the time, but it can also happen in many other situations. Some possible examples are, parents who rely to heavily on babysitters or a nanny to do the bulk of family activities, or even parents who rely on electronic devices, not only for kids, but for their own escape. While I would never judge the living situation of anyone, or suggest that zoning out from time to time makes you a bad parent; all I *am* saying, is that kids need presence, and often they can grow a relatively understandable chip on their shoulder if not given it. Nurture your child with your attention. They absolutely crave, and more importantly, deserve it.

Growing Up Too Fast

Look, if I had it my way, my kids would already have jobs, and be contributing to the upkeep of the house. I mean, they’re the main reason it’s falling apart. More of those know-it-all experts say that parents who make their kids grow up too fast are setting them up for all kinds of failures down the road. They say, “Let kids be kids. Let them enjoy their childhood.” Pft…what does that even mean anyway? You see kids running around outside, having a good time, and just being kids…I see wasted productivity.

Or…you could be lame, and be a good parent:

Perhaps one of the worst things to see is a child whose is obviously having to, or being allowed to, grow up too fast. A ten-year-old sporting an iPhone is relatively confusing to see, and we all often shudder when we see parents who seem happy putting their children in for very suspicious ‘child beauty pageants.’ Kids who grow up too fast is a real problem, and can lead to even bigger problems down the road. The internet is still a very dangerous place. Look how the majority of adults act on social media. Now, allow individuals who really don’t have the ability to make mature, and well thought out decisions on there…ok, that still describes most of the adults, but you get what I’m saying. It feels, at times, that life is becoming more and more dependent on the internet, and with so many devices in the home that can access said internet, being more and more diligent about what our kids are doing, and who they’re doing it with, is becoming more and more important. Using an iPhone parental monitoring app by Family Orbit is the key here, and can put you in greater control of your child’s access.

Ok fine, maybe the bad parent option isn’t that glamorous after all. Kids are still annoying, and are going to suck the life out of you…but, I guess they’re worth it in the long run. Just think, maybe they’ll have kids of their own some day. That’s where the real revenge starts. But, for now, don’t be a bad parent; we already have enough jerks in this world.

P.S. – Remember…this was all for fun

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