You’re Not the Child I Hoped For…

I sit in the dark of your room and watch you sleep; it’s late. I settle into the recliner in the far corner of the room. The corner softly illuminated by your nightlight; like many other items in your room, a new addition due to a recent meltdown that no one saw coming. A meltdown that exhausted your mother and I. A meltdown that scared us again; scared us into wondering…always wondering.

I watch you sleep. Thinking about the meltdown from this very evening…no, yesterday evening. I’ve been sitting here for a while; we’ve crossed over to the next day. It’s late. I watch the rise and fall of your chest as you slumber; I wonder what you’re dreaming about. Your breathing is rhythmic, slow, steady, but also very similar to the heavy sobs and gasps for breath from earlier…during the meltdown. 

I watch you sleep…and I start to cry. I cry because I hate myself for what I’m thinking; what I’ve thought many times since you were born. I hate myself because tonight was the first time I realized you felt my thoughts too. I hate myself because I think, you’re not the child I hoped for…you’re not the child I wanted

Continue reading

Advertisements

Perfectly Connected

“We look so young…what happened?”

I asked this question over and over as we lie in bed last night flipping the pages of our wedding album. We were up far too late; our “bed time” a distant memory at that point. We had spent the evening cleaning and organizing, not just because it needed to be done, but because the cleaning company was coming the next day, to do the very thing we were doing that evening, and we just couldn’t let them see our house in this condition. We can’t have the cleaning company thinking we were dirty AND lazy. Cleaning up for a cleaning crew – our lives, our marriage, our parenting, is nothing if not ironic.

Continue reading

(Men)tal Health Awareness

Could you imagine telling your father, or me, telling my father, “I’m struggling. I have postpartum depression.” They would be like, “Suck it up buttercup!” ~ Kirk and Callahan Show (5/22/17, WEEI Boston)

These were just some of the ridiculously moronic words spewed on the May 22, 2017 Kirk and Callahan morning show on WEEI (Boston). I could probably write an entire novel on the absurd, not to mention machismo fueled ignorant behavior the Kirk and Callahan show has been known for over the years. Instead, I’ll sum it up with a quote from ESPN host Paul Finebaum when he said that Kirk and Callahan, “were toxic pieces of waste, who have never accomplished anything in their life.”

Where was I? Ahhh, yes…

Today is the last day of May 2017. The last day of Mental Health Awareness Month. So, I feel it’s only fitting that we talk about the last thing it feels like anyone wants to talk about when it comes to mental health – men. Continue reading

You Broke Me

“Daddy, you broke me!”

Through heavy sobs, the words came spilling out of his mouth. Eyes, red and bloodshot from crying so intensely; even causing him to do that heavy, shortened breath stutter, making his head shake with every gasp for his next breath.

I knew this day would come…and admittedly, selfishly, avoiding this day is one of the reasons I used to say I never wanted to have kids.
Continue reading

Creating a Safe HAVEN For Your Family

I don’t know if it’s because 40 is rapidly approaching, or if it’s because I’m watching my children grow up, but I have been thinking about the future lately. Specifically, I’ve been thinking a lot about how my family will fare if/when I’m not here someday.

It’s funny, but life insurance never seems to come up when you’re “planning for the future.” When you’re in college, planning for the future means finding a job; maybe buying a home and starting a family. When you have that family and home, planning for the future means college for your kids, and retirement down the road. Life insurance never seems to come up in the conversation. Why?
Continue reading

Parenting In Front of the Camera: Internet Fame at a Cost?

It seems these days that internet fame is literally a heartbeat away. One shared status on Facebook, one massive tweet on Twitter, one amazing picture on Instagram, or the granddaddy of them all, viral video on YouTube. We’re all just a press of the button away from the whole world sharing our story, our joke, or our snapshot inside our life. And as a society, we’re starting to crave that attention. We want to be the next one to be seen, to be talked about, to be admired; so much so that as we get deeper and deeper into the age of the internet, people are looking for new and creative ways to get that fame…even parents.

I know right off the bat it sounds like I’m being judgmental. Maybe I am a little, but trust me when I tell you I also understand, because I crave that attention too, but there are some lines I just won’t cross in the search of attention
Continue reading

Sexual Assault: A Hidden Double Standard

I want to paint a picture for you, if you would allow me. First, while I am not a huge fan of the overused term Trigger Warning, some may find topics discussed here triggering because of events that have happened to them.

So, the picture: Imagine if you will a person, for the sake of popularity; mainly in the form of “likes” or “shares” or “views” given out during this age of social media, going around and filming themselves touching people of the opposite sex, and filming their reactions to post on the internet. “But Mike, what do you mean by touching?” Well, I’m glad you (I) asked.
Continue reading

Women I Admire Day 29: My Mom, The One That Never Was #WomensHistoryMonth

I bet you didn’t expect this curve ball coming, did you? If you’ve been here for any amount of time, you’ve read about my abusive past with my mother, and if not, you might want to hit up the archives.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching and evaluating of my life recently. I don’t know, maybe it’s because every day it feels like 40 is getting closer and closer (because it literally is dummy, that’s how days work. Ugh, this guy).  One of the major things I’ve landed on, even though I’m still trying to reconcile it in my mind, is that two things that are opposite of each other can still coexist in the world of truth. And this is causing havoc as I try to relate it to my past. Did that make any sense? Ok, here’s an example: you can love someone but not like them. Or in my case, you can not love someone at all, or even like them, but you can admire them?
Continue reading