Big Top Family Guest Post: Super Bowl Sunday for a Dirty Mom

You all know I have this awesome friend named Ashley over at Big Top Family. We met last summer at BlogU14 in Baltimore, and became fast friends ever since.
I’ve shared so many Ashely posts, just like she has with my post, that I’m sure you know her as well as I do. Like how she has an alter ego known as Sexual Chocolate that, let me tell you, is a SHOW to see in person. Or her borderline psychotic obsession with Doritos.But one thing you may not know, is how wickedly on point her sense of humor is.

That girl good! SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!!
That girl good! SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!!

I know what you’re thinking, “Hey dumb-dumb, we know how awesome she is, we read her stuff too.” But I’m here to tell you, you’re only seeing like 25% of the funny that Ashley has going on.
My pal can bust out a “That’s what she said” faster than Wyatt Earp gunning down an outlaw. Yes, she possesses the kind of wit that can rival any frat boy. But one of my favorite things about Ashley is how she is a master of the double entendre. She can turn almost anything into a dirty joke; nothing is safe, not even the likes of the NFL.
I’m so honored to have Ashley here guest posting today. She’s sharing how even some like her who is not into football, can find joy in the just listening to the game. Enjoy!
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bored
The Super Bowl is fast approaching, but I’m not one of those women who gets really excited about football and pretends to give a rat’s ass about what’s going on. I’ve actually managed to avoid it like the plague most of my adult life, but then I became the wife of a HUGE football fan. The kind of fan that paces around like a caged tiger while the game’s on, hunching down on the floor pounding his fists when something bad happens, and shooting up from the floor like a bottle rocket when something good happens. I’m forced to endure this nonsense, but I’ve learned to get by with the help of a little friend.
My friend is my alter ego: Dirty Mom.  She’s the little voice in my head who one day pointed out to me that football is CHOCK FULL of sexual innuendos. From that day forward, it took on a whole new level of entertainment for me. I can’t help myself on football Sundays, especially since I have to wrestle to keep Dirty Mom’s mouth shut every other day of my life. Sometimes when I’m at a playgroup with a bunch of other normal, socially appropriate moms, I nearly have to swallow my tongue to keep from saying “That’s what she said” twice a minute. Back doors, bottoms, drawers, ovens, meat, buns, anything about size, something getting stuck, something being easy, something being hard, any mention of a ball—I mean the list just goes on and on. By the time I leave, I’m jerking spasmodically and purple in the face from the strain of keeping my dirty mouth shut.
However, during football season, in the sanctity of my own home, with my boys too young to care about football and therefore downstairs playing in the basement, I can release my snorts, snickers, and Beavis-and-Butthead giggles over the 9 million sexual innuendos and double entendres constantly uttered by the NFL announcers. I just cuddle up in front of the boob tube and snort, guffaw, and point at the TV screen, all the while elbowing my eye-rolling husband and stuffing my face with Doritos. In case you can’t manage to conjure up a picture of a 40-year-old wife and mother’s special brand of prepubescent football humor, allow me to break some terms down for you, in alphabetical order.
1). Ball-carrier. This is a player who likes to fondle his junk.
2) Flex-bone. This is a play wherein the players can feel a little poke coming through.
3) Fullback. This is a player who’s got an ass that just won’t quit. Growing. It won’t quit growing.
4) Gunslinger. I don’t know what the Eff this is, but I do know that the NFL named Brett Favre the greatest gunslinger of all time. I also know he can sling that gun at me anytime.
5) Halo violation. This is when a player loses his virginity. It’s super cute.
6) Hand-off: This maneuver always makes me think of jerk-off and/or hand-job so I tend to think all three terms are synonymous.
7) Hard-count. This is how long it takes a player to become erectile functional.
8). Hidden yardage. This is when a team is for some reason hiding away their God-given endowments. (Have they never heard the phrase “WORK what ya mama gave ya”)?
9). Hot read. This is how most players feel about Fifty Shades of Grey.
10). Loose ball. This is when a player’s jockstrap has failed its main duty. (Ha. I said “duty”).
11). Muff. This is a vintage fur that the players use to keep their hands warm. Wink.
12). Package. SPECIAL DELIVERY?
13). Penetration. Do I really need to define this one for you?
14). Pump fake. This is when a player pretends to hump (or pump) the end zone after scoring a touchdown but is like “psych!” and doesn’t actually complete the act. (I think this is tied into the player’s “completion percentage,” which is also a football term. I’ll take 6 points for this one).
15) Punt. This just rhymes with a dirty word so it’s dirty.
16). Sack. No way to sugar-coat this one. I mean, you can sugar-coat nuts. That would actually be pretty tasty. Buuuut . . . not the sack.
17). Slobber knocker. Use your imagination. If you’re not a dirty weirdo like me, then don’t bother.
18) Tight end. A player whose ass gets taxed like the Government! In other words, he does lots of squats to get his ass tight, and that must be extremely taxing.
19). Tweener. I just like this ‘cause it sounds like “weiner.”
20). Wishbone. This is when a player seems to be fully invested in playing the game but is actually jonesing for a boning.
Whelp, I’m done defining my Super Bowl Sunday dirtiness. You didn’t ask for it, but Dirty Mom gave it to ya anyway. (She gave it to ya GOOD).
football
 

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Hitting Home: No One Has a Right to Be Violent

Domestic violence
As parents, we spend a great deal of time teaching our children the right ways to treat others. Much of those conversations involve statements about how we don’t push, kick, bite, or hit others because it is not nice and because it hurts people physically and emotionally. I know this because the wife and I are in the midst of full-on toddlerhood with our son right now, and these are constant conversations we are having with him.
Our son, like a lot of toddlers, doesn’t do well with having items taken away or being told “no” when he wants something, and sometimes his frustrations result in hitting one or both of us. Our response to such outbursts (currently) is to express our disappointment with his choice, then to walk away to another room. We try very hard not to scold him, but instead explain that he made a very bad choice, and that there are consequences to negative choices. Because life is all about choices.
During one of my moments of sitting in silence after an outburst this weekend, I was struck by an overwhelming thought: We spend so much time teaching our children that hitting other people is wrong, and how there is absolutely no excuse to hurt anyone. Yet, as I watched/read the news this past week, I found it dominated by a story of domestic violence and an overwhelming amount of justification for why it happened. So at what point exactly does all our teaching of nonviolence and care for others go by the wayside? When exactly is it that we, as parents, tell our kids that society has taken all that we taught about being kind to others, about there being no excuse to hurt anyone, about taking accountability for our actions, and thrown it right out the window? How do we explain that, if you have a certain status in life, society will overlook the harm you’ve caused to others?
Of course, I’m alluding to the story of Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice’s violent assault of his then fiancée (now wife) in an Atlantic City hotel elevator back in February of this year. Rice is seen on video dragging his fiancée out of the elevator after (allegedly) striking her so hard in the face that it rendered her unconscious. While the public has not seen any video of the actual assault, Rice accepted a plea bargain in order to avoid trial of probation and anger management, yet he still entered a plea of not guilty. As egregious as his assault was, the NFL was right there to one-up Rice.
The NFL finally weighed in on the matter this past Thursday, and they handed down a suspension, as most fans expected. However, what was not expected was the length of the suspension: 2 games. That’s right, 2 whole games. Ray Rice was given a shorter suspension than linebacker Daryl Washington (Arizona Cardinals) and wide receiver Josh Gordon (Cleveland Browns) who have both been suspended for the entire 2014 season for multiple marijuana violations. So let me get this straight, partaking in marijuana use is somehow (by NFL math/rational) 8-times worse than violently assaulting, not just a woman, but your fiancée? Well, that message should really give a boost to that female fan base.
It’s already been said in a ton of articles, as well as on TV, but the NFL missed a major opportunity to send a strong message when it came to a growing demographic of their fan base. Look, I’m disgusted with the NFL, and not just because of the way they handled this situation, because this is par for the course for them, because I am no longer shocked by the NFL’s inability to care about anyone or anything outside of their business. Because that is what they are — a business, and it’s all about dollars to them.
What I AM in complete shock about and, frankly, appalled over is the overwhelming amount of victim-blaming that has come out over the past 4 days. It’s literally rivaling the amount of coverage from those calling for a harsher penalty.
The consensus line that is being used is, “We don’t know what happened in that elevator, but she shouldn’t have provoked him.” What?!? Are you kidding me with that kind of comment?
How did this line of thinking ever come to be, and furthermore, why are people giving it credence? News flash, people: IT’S NEVER THE VICTIM’S FAULT; THAT’S WHY THEY’RE THE VICTIM!
How the hell do we, as a society, switch rationales so quickly, from telling our children, “don’t hit, it’s not nice,” to “well, maybe they shouldn’t have provoked the person into hitting them”?
I grew up in a fairly abusive household. And not in the ways some might instantly assume. I wasn’t physically abused by an angry father, but instead by an angry single mother who routinely hit home (literally) that I had brought all of the abuse on myself.
Because of this, I have taught and will continue to teach my son (and any other children who may come along) that hurting others in never the right answer.
But it really saddens me, and frankly drives me a little mad, to see that there is a subset of our culture (especially in the media) who is actively working against me and other parents who are trying hard to instill non-violent values to our children.
Not even a day after the lackluster penalty for Ray Rice’s action was announced by the NFL, we already had our first case of foot-in-mouth disease by one such TV talking head.
ESPN analyst (and I use that term lightly) Stephen A. Smith, who is known for his brash and frequently over-the-top opinions, voiced his opinion on the topic and created a massive fire storm of backlash (click here to see a full transcript of his comments).
Smith literally lost any credibility he meant to gain within the first sentence of his diatribe when he said, “It’s not about him; it’s about you,” then went on to chastise victims (mainly women) by saying they need to do more to avoid provoking their attackers. WRONG!!
Smith issued an apology early Monday morning, attempting to clarify his bonehead statement by saying that in no way was he suggesting that women provoke violence. But in reality, that’s exactly what he did. ESPN even put him on camera with a female anchor who accepted his apology (as if she speaks for all women in the world) and had her deflect from Smith by aggressively shaming the NFL and calling for an apology on behalf of all women.
What’s worse, it’s not just men who are spreading these kinds of foolish and very dangerous ideas. Women are too.
Back in May of this year, the whole world was abuzz when video was leaked to the media of an altercation between Jay-Z and Solange Knowles in an elevator at the Met Gala.
Seriously, what is with people and elevators? Maybe take the stairs next time.
In the video, Solange is seen aggressively attacking Jay-Z, kicking and punching him, all while security attempts to restrain her and Beyonce stands by and watches. You know what you didn’t see — Jay-Z hitting Solange back. In fact, he defended himself by putting his hands up and attempting to deflect her attacks (take notes, Ray Rice).
As part of the media circus that followed this incident, the ladies of The View weighed in. One in particular, host Whoopi Goldberg, was adamant in her statement that Jay-Z had the right to hit Solange back, saying, “Where I’m from, if you hit anybody, they have the right to hit you back. If a woman hits a man, he has the right to hit her back. That’s why I don’t hit men.” Whether you agree or not, unlike Smith, Whoopi stood by her statement and even came out and defended it.
Allow me to counter using words similar to Whoopi’s: No one has the RIGHT to hit anyone, and if someone does hit you, you do NOT have the RIGHT to hit them back. I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman.
Now, I’m no historian, and I was a pretty awful student, but the last time I checked, knocking someone out (male or female) was not in the Bill of Rights, or the Bible, or the Koran, or the Torah, or any other place outlining basic human rights.
Now I realize that this is easier said than done, and if I was in a situation where I or a loved one was being attacked, there is a very good chance I’m going to strike back. But you know what the difference is? I would never say my striking back was my RIGHT; rather, it was my CHOICE. Ray Rice made a CHOICE to physically assault his now wife, and thus cemented his status as a D-Bag. Jay-Z made a CHOICE to not to hit Solange back, thus showing a high level of decency.
Victims are victims because someone else made a choice to hurt them; it was not their right. Life, is all about CHOICES, remember?
Enough is enough. It’s is hard just to raise a child in today’s society. Raising boys and girls to be well-adjusted, stand-up men and women is even harder.
Topics like physical abuse, rape, and an overall shaming of women that seems to still be alive and well in our society, are going to be heart-wrenchingly difficult to explain to my son when the time comes someday. As a man trying to raise another man, I refuse to continue or cultivate a culture of, “Well, she was asking for it” or “Well, she shouldn’t have provoked me.”
I will instead raise my son to make the CHOICE to be a good man.