The Day I Realized I Was an Asshole

If you’ve been here for a while, chances are you’re also a fan on my Facebook page…and if you’re not, what the hell is taking you so long, that’s where the real is fun is happening.
For those of you who ARE fans on FB, you know the majority of my posts are about how much toddler is ruining my life. And, I give him a lot of shit for it. Most people get that it’s all in good fun, and of course I love my kid, but in the year and a half I’ve been running the page I’ve had my fair share of people tell me what and asshole I am for talking about my kid that way, and how kids are a blessing, blah blah blah.
Luckily, I have some of the best fans on the internet who just get it, and quickly come to my defense, and those individuals who have their heads firmly inserted up their rectums have been weeded out. But, I’m going to break some news to you my loyal subjects…the jerks were right; I am an asshole, I know the exact day I realized it.
The day was Friday, September 5, 2008. The Fiance (now known as The Wife) and I had moved from San Diego, CA to the Washington D.C. just 3 months prior and since I was still looking for work, I decided to supplement a little extra cash with officiating youth sports; high school football to be more exact.
I had been a football referee for around 5 years before moving to the East coast, giving it up briefly for a year to focus on finishing my degree and as well as taking a job that required I work nights and weekends. I had officiated all levels of experience ranging from 5 year old flag football, all the way up to Junior College, but I was still nervous when I got my first assignment in DC. If felt like I was rookie ref all over again. New area, new people, and new fellow officials; I couldn’t help but be a little scared.
I received my first assignment from the commissioner of our league at school called Model Secondary. Along with the assignment the commissioner sent special instructions emphasizing how important it was that we remember how special this particular environment was that we’d be working in, and how we needed to utilize all our experience with making calls without our whistles. I thought nothing of it, as any good official knows the whistle in football means very little. I was confused why he went out of his way to send such a note. Maybe this school was known for players cheap-shoting other players after the whistle, maybe there were a rough crowd, either way, I wasn’t worried. Any referee worth his salt can officiate an entire game, and never use their whistle once.
Finally the day arrived. Still not knowing the area very well I ran into crazy DC traffic on a Friday afternoon. Frantically following the direction on my GPS, I grew more and more anxious as I arrived at what looked like a large college campus in the heart of downtown DC. I was convinced this had to be the wrong spot, which meant I was going to be late, making a bad impression on my crew chief and possibly get me a bad rating.
I entered the campus and began driving around. I quickly saw a sign saying, ” Model Secondary School Located on East Side of Campus.” HUZZAH!!! I had in fact made it to the right place, but now I had to navigate this large campus and find a small secondary school. As I sat at a stop sign I found my saving grace; a student crossing the street in front of me.
I rolled down my window to ask the student for directions.
“Excuse me, do you know where I can find Model Secondary?”
The young man didn’t answer. Maybe he didn’t hear me; so I called to him again,
“Excuse me, over here! Do you know where I can find Model Secondary?”
Still, the young man who could not be more than 10ft from me, nose in a book, refused to answer. Can you believe this fucking kid?!? While it’s not my style to yell at people, my frustration and fear of being late got the better of me.
“HEY KID!!! Over here!”
At that moment he looked up and saw me staring at him. He looked back at me with the a disinterested who, me? look that seems to be all the rage with the youth of today.
“YO! Yeah you! I know you heard me! (Speaking slowly to emphasize my disdain with him) Do…you…know…where…Model…Secondary…is…located?”
At this point the young man’s face changed from disinterested to something resembling slightly confused, with an overwhelming amount of offended. Clearly me asking him for directions and pulling him away from his book was beyond reproach in his world.
He slowly shook his head no, while maintaining a look of disappointment. As I drove past him I added one more parting shot to put this kid in his place saying, “I don’t know why you look so mad; don’t act like you’re deaf next time someone talks to you.”   As I drove away I thought to myself, “Good for you Mike, kids like that need to learn a lesson in being respectful.”
After meeting up with the rest of my officiating crew, the head ref held out pre-game meeting, and once again emphasized using our best non-whistle mechanics. As we walked out of the locker I strolled up next to him and asked why such the emphasis on non-whistle stuff. He looked at me somewhat shocked and said:
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah, I’m new in the area. Are these guys a rough team, prone to cheap shots, stuff like that?
(Stopping in his tracks) “No one told you about this school?”
“No, why? What’s so different about this team?”
“This is Model Secondary School for the Deaf, on the campus of Gallaudet University, the only university to cater strictly to the deaf or hearing impaired.”
All the sudden it was like I was just kicked in the stomach. Not only was the football team deaf, but so were the students, and the college kids…just like the one I had just yelled at for not listening to me. Holy shit, what had I done?!?
When I returned home that night the Fiance lovingly asked, “How’d your game go? Did it feel good to get back out there?” Standing there like a shell of myself, all I could muster up was, “I yelled at a deaf kid today,” to which she appropriately responded, “WHAT THE SHIT?!?”
I told her the whole story. I explained my frantic nature, and how it was an honest mistake. I kept saying things like like if I could back in time I would. She just sat there, expressionless. I waited for her to say something; anything that would help me feel better and absolve me of my massive fuck up, and then it happened; the Fiance busted out in uncontrollable laughter. It went on for what felt like an eternity, and it was all at my expense.
Finally I plopped down on the couch:
“I feel like an asshole.”
“That’s because you are!” (more laughter)
Have you ever done something or said something so bad, and out of your character, that you felt like a complete asshole? You know I’m not going to judge you, because at least you didn’t yell at a someone who was deaf.


9 thoughts on “The Day I Realized I Was an Asshole

  • August 17, 2015 at 9:43 am

    That’s asshole of epic proportions and I should know because I’ve achieved this level of assholedness many times. Good to see I’m in good company, my friend.

  • August 17, 2015 at 10:34 am

    Oh my gosh!! As I’m reading this I’m yelling (in my head), “He’s deaf, Mike! He’s deaf! Stop yelling at him!” Well, sometimes we are accidentally an asshole. That’s definitely a lot less bad then being an intentional asshole. So you’ve got that going for you 😉

    • August 17, 2015 at 3:38 pm

      now this is a whole new post in itself! accidental vs intentional. I am positive I’ve been both more times than I can remember. thankfully, I can’t remember. there really is something to be said for old age!

  • August 17, 2015 at 3:37 pm

    When I was in college (in a small town), my friend and I were deep in conversation, obliviously heading into a crosswalk, and we got really indignant when the car rolling into it didn’t stop. We made indignant gen-X noises at it and rolled our eyes until someone helpfully pointed out that it was a hearse and that the deceased’s family was likely in the limo behind it. Oops.

  • August 22, 2015 at 12:17 am

    I’ve made some asshole moves that I would definitely go back and do over again if I could. That would have made me feel like an asshole too! At least the kid didn’t hear you yelling at him. LOL

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